Dear God: It's Me, the Dog
Private messages from man's best friend to the big guy upstairs …
Dear God: Is it on purpose that our names are spelled the same, only in reverse?
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or will it be the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We love a nice car ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the "Chrysler Beagle?"
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Here is a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:
- I will not eat the cat's food before he eats it or after he throws it up.
- I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
- The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
- The sofa is not a face towel.
- The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
- I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
- Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying hello.
- I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
- I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house — not after.
- I will not come in from outside, and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
- I will not sit in the middle of the living room, and lick my crotch.
- The cat is not a squeaky toy, so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven, may I have my testicles back?
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